今天好为人师一回。首先说这种是不太敢接的。因为全文极短，而评价很高。这往往意味着原文的文字很优秀，想把原有的神韵保存在译文中很有挑战。

然后，总体上说，译者的特点是把每一个单词都尽量映射过来，这样一来对于句子整体的把握就不够理想。

以下逐段讨论：

Your mind is still beautifully fuzzy, leaving you in a field of wild strawberries, comforted by the salty breeze of the ocean as you wait in the shade of your eyelids. Your breathing is soft and effortless as you lie there, slowly passing the moment where sleep gives way to the morning, and the touch of your dreams gives way to the feeling of the pillow under your head.

此段大意是就是从梦到醒。草莓田和海风都是梦中的事物。而"lie there"的there结合上下文可知是在床上，直接翻作“那里”之后不易看出是哪里且略突兀。（而如果是“床上”则又造成两个位置的冲突，我以为此时需要强调梦境与现实的对比。）接下来主人公逐渐苏醒，使用两个“让步于”还是比较生硬。而像"the touch"这样的表达尤其不易处理，使用“触感”显得草率。

With one deep breath, you flex and stretch your muscles into wakefulness as you finally open your eyes. You blink away the last bit of bleariness, and smile when you see her. She's still asleep, lying on her back, her forelegs snugly curled against her chest and her eyes shut, even as the white light of the early sun shines through the curtain and paints a bright stripe along her face. Her breaths come quietly and slowly, slipping gently through her barely parted lips.

第一句，主人公是先伸了个懒腰，然后才睁开眼睛。“收缩并伸展肌肉”、“最终睁开”这样的表述比较令人摸不着头脑。“朦胧”的部分还可以。后面一句较长所以拆成了多个动作短句，这没问题，但是有一处逻辑关系缺失了。就是原文中"even if"的部分。尽管日光已经在暮光的脸上照出一道，暮光还是闭着眼睛。这样的场景才显示出暮光慵懒的样子，而直接并列不妥，同时容易出现孤立的，不知道为什么出现的内容。最后是“几乎张开的嘴”。几乎张开就是没张开，由于已经有气息通过，所以“微微张开”就好。

With a tiny squeak and a long sigh, she rolls over, her hind legs lifting and sliding under the sheet as she turns to drop herself heavily against you, her small body snuggling comfortably into the crook of your arm. You smile wider at the sight of her frazzled mane, her dark hair carelessly tossed about her forehead and spread under her neck as she lays her head on your shoulder. Carefully, you lift your hand to push away an errant hair that was beginning to tickle your nose. As you do, your finger brushes against her cheek, sweeping across her fine purple fuzz and over her skin, still hot and flushed with sleep.

开头是暮光打了个哈欠，如果“吱吱声”没有更好的表述也罢了，就是打哈欠之前有时会发出的细小声音嘛。中间"as you do"翻成“当你这样做的时候”在此处显得比较长，如果是我可能会用“其间”。本段其它的都可以。

You pause, passing the edge of your hand lightly along the base of her jaw, and with your thumb, you gently move the fringe from her face. Her eyes blink open, and she raises her head for just a moment to look at you. You can see a smile on her mouth to match your own as she closes her eyes and settles herself against your side once more.

"her eyes blink open"只是睁开了眼，毕竟前文中一直闭着眼。其它部分基本没问题。（不过其实“可以”、“能”这些词可酌情去掉，因为在当前情景中，这些动作都发生了，没有发生这些动作却用文字强调有实现这些动作的能力，这是不自然的）

“Good morning,” she says. You can feel her lips moving softly as she speaks, the wisps of her breath playing lightly upon your neck.

“Good morning.”

Twilight stretches with a little yawn, and quietly giggles as you lift her up, rolling her body on top of yours.

“Did I wake you?” you ask.

She doesn't respond immediately, instead nuzzling her head once again into the corner of your neck and simply lying there with you.

"her breath playing lightly"中的play是带感情色彩的，没有表现出来，也不易表现出来就是了。"rolling her body"只是翻身的动作。原文中的"lift"没有指明具体是怎样的动作，因此对于情景中的细节还需要揣摩。如果是双手抱住，那么暮光被固定住，无法实现翻身的动作。考虑到上文中有暮光抬头才能对视，说话的气息吹到脖子高度的内容，我想此处的"lift"是把暮光在床上的位置拔高一些。那么此处就有拔高、翻身、轻笑三个动作，它们的顺序和因果关系是递进的，可以直接依次表达，不需要用“当……的时候”来包裹。最后是"simply"，相比于“只是和你躺在一起”，我认为“就这么和你躺在一起”更好。

She smells of lavender and electricity. Her soft form fills your arms, and her chest presses against yours with her every rhythmic breath. You close your eyes once again, feeling the heat from both of your bodies as it flows up from the sheets and over your skin to mix with the cool morning air.

我不理解"smells of electricity"的表述，无法评价。"her soft form fills your arms"一方面说明暮光的身体柔软，另一方面说明“我”正抱着她。“充满手臂”比较不知所云，例如改成“充满臂弯”都可，但最好还是更详细描述这个画面。“随着……”的部分提前更好，以突出发生的动作。或者，把这一句对应的画面也描绘出来。后面无大碍。

The two of you will lie there together, just as you do every morning. And with your eyes shut, you’ll wonder how you could have allowed yourself to fall asleep. After all, no dream was ever so perfect.

问题主要在后半段，也是难点。作者希望表达搂着TS睡觉就比所有的梦更美，所以怎能让自己睡着，这样一种思想感情。作者选择了将来时态，表示每一次都是这样的想法。直译固然没有问题，但显得不明朗。我认为不如把隐含的内容恢复出来，加强思想感情：“每一天，当你闭上眼睛时，你都会想自己怎么能够允许自己睡着。毕竟，没有哪个梦比面前的景象更美。”

综上我的观点是在保证原文的信息真实完整之后，也需要尽量让译文的句子变得通顺，而一些不影响大意的细枝末节可酌情删改。（严复：译事三难：信、达、雅。求其信，已大难矣！顾信矣，不达，虽译，犹不译也，则达尚焉。但我侧重的是后一句。）

也许我是在班门弄斧，也许我会贻笑大方，但这就是我的想法，欢迎指教。

P.S. 译者已编辑译文，而我又没有贴原译文，寄。